What’s Your Version of Things?* Aka Mentalization
In sessions, my clients and I often wonder why people do what they do. As the psychology saying goes, we can’t work on anyone who’s not in the therapy room, so we stick to our client’s stuff as much as possible.
But inevitably, we also try to decipher others’ actions, reactions, motivations, intentions, you name it. This way, we can predict the client’s world when they step back into it, so they can better design their side of communications and relationships. Therapy is a place to practice how to be in real life.
A regular barrier we encounter has to do with something called mentalization: the ability to understand others’ mental states. It allows us to realize that even our closest loved ones have feelings, needs, beliefs, and reasons that might be different than ours. I like the coined phrase that mentalization is “understanding misunderstanding.” Clients often practice their own mentalizing in the therapy room, but might also wish others would mentalize with them more: listen, have more patience, and understand their points of view.
We aren’t born mentalizing, and it’s not easy for some people to develop or maintain. Some things get in the way of mentalizing:
Early attachment strains. Attachment is how children bond with caregivers, then how they see themselves and treat others based on this early learning. If caregivers neglect, abuse, or even just fail to mentalize with their child (see their child as their own being, reflect their child’s unique needs, feelings, and traits), the child might later struggle mentalizing with others.
People are less likely to effectively mentalize when they are stressed out. Mentalizing is weakened by intense emotion. Sometimes we are surprised, confused, or hurt when someone we care about (and expect more from) doesn’t have the bandwidth to see our point of view. They might be going through something hard.
Historically, the lack of ability to mentalize can also be associated with the autism spectrum (ASD). There are caveats to this, but to oversimplify, trouble with mentalizing (aka Theory of Mind) can be a trait of autism. For example, autistic children are less likely to point to an airplane or a balloon to get their parent’s attention; they don’t try to share the joyful experience because they don’t realize that the parent has a separate mind than their own. Remember, autism is a spectrum, and not mentalizing might be a subtle trait of a high-functioning person with ASD. That said, some people with ASD learn about mentalizing and actively work to develop it, such as asking questions about other’s experiences and methodically attending to loved one’s needs and perspectives, as well or better (although less intuitively) than their non-ASD counterparts.
If you think about it logically, narcissists and other people with personality disorders are less likely to think about others’ positions and are more interested in others agreeing with their own. In fact, they might be good at mentalizing, but also good at minimizing or even exploiting others’ positions and perspectives. Personality disorders are a big, messy category, so I’m oversimplifying and generalizing here, but this is just a blog post, after all.
To further dilute things, really anyone with defense mechanisms might struggle with or even choose not to understand misunderstandings if it suits their defenses in moments of stubbornness or blind sightedness, and that includes… everyone.
This many bullet points really add up, amounting to frequent disappointment, frustration, and despair my clients often experience. I offer two morals:
1. Mentalize as much as you can and find fulfilling relationships with others that do the same (aka your new crush that doesn’t ask about your feelings = RED flag).
2. Recognize when you or others are struggling to mentalize; develop an action plan. Another, more thoughtful conversation? Acceptance, or maybe forgiveness of stressful circumstances? Identifying unhealthy patterns or dead-end relationships?
Being a person is hard; being understood and understanding others is our best hope. Let’s keep up the work!
*Groove Armada song reference :)